Low self-esteem, and what actually helps versus what makes it worse

Signs of low self-esteem

Low self-esteem shows in how you judge yourself and what you stop doing. The NHS page on raising low self-esteem, from the UK health service, describes seeing yourself and your life in a negative, critical light, and feeling less able to take on challenges.

Everyone has times when confidence is low. The NHS says that when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can harm your mental health and daily life.

Two questions to ask yourself. Would you say to a friend what you say to yourself? What have you stopped doing because you expect to fail?

Why do I feel worthless? Where it comes from

Often because of messages you took in early. The NHS says low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Teachers, friends, siblings, parents and the media all send messages about you, and the message that you are not good enough can be the one that stays.

Later events can feed it. The NHS names stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or bereavement. Personality plays a part too. Some people are more prone to negative thinking, and some set impossibly high standards for themselves.

Then a loop keeps it in place. Avoiding hard situations feels safe in the short term. In the longer term, the NHS says, it can backfire. It reinforces your doubts and teaches you that avoiding is the only way to cope.

Feeling worthless can also be a symptom of depression. See the section on when to see a doctor.

Often, the message that you are not good enough was learned. A learned message can be questioned.

A first exercise you can do today

You need ten minutes, something to write on, and one harsh thought. The NHS advice is to identify your negative beliefs about yourself, then challenge them. These five steps turn that advice into exact words.

What to do in the next seven days

Repeat the exercise and add one small action a day. Each idea below comes from the NHS list of ways to improve low self-esteem.

Two triggers have their own pages here: the guide on comparing yourself to others, and the guide on perfectionism.

Self-esteem or self-compassion: what the research says

You do not have to choose. Research links both a sense of your own worth and kindness toward yourself with better mental health.

Self-compassion has three parts, as the psychologist Kristin Neff describes them in her 2009 paper on self-compassion. You are kind to yourself instead of harshly critical. You see your flaws as part of being human. You notice painful feelings without ignoring them or going over and over them. The paper argues that this gives most of the benefits of high self-esteem with fewer downsides, and without comparing yourself with others. It cites a study in which self-compassion went with steadier feelings of self-worth over time.

A 2023 review of 76 studies on self-esteem and self-compassion found that each was linked, to a similar degree, with better well-being and fewer psychological problems. The authors found no evidence that self-compassion protects more than self-esteem, and they call the two complementary.

The same review describes simple writing experiments in people who were not patients. A kind reply to yourself eased negative feelings more than an attempt to boost self-esteem.

A 2008 study of college students in the United States, Thailand and Taiwan found that those with more self-compassion reported less depression and more life satisfaction in all three. It was a survey, so it shows a link, not a cause.

How long change takes, and what therapy adds

Most of the programs tested below ran for weeks. None of the studies promises a date.

The NHS says talking therapies such as counseling or CBT can help with low self-esteem. CBT stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. With a therapist, you question unhelpful thoughts and beliefs, and you do things you have been avoiding.

The review of 76 studies above also cites earlier pooled analyses of trials, which found that CBT raised self-esteem in patients and in people with no diagnosis.

When to see a doctor or therapist

See a doctor or a licensed therapist when the low opinion of yourself has lasted a long time, when it gets in the way of work, study or relationships, or when self-help has not shifted it.

Check for depression as well. The NIMH page on depression, from the US National Institute of Mental Health, lists feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness among the common symptoms. For a diagnosis, symptoms have to be present most of the day, nearly every day, for 2 weeks or longer, and one of them has to be low mood or a loss of interest or pleasure. The guide to depression support on this site goes into detail.

NIMH suggests starting with a primary care doctor, a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and bringing notes about your symptoms. Words you can use: “I have felt worthless for months. It affects my work and my sleep. I would like to be checked for depression and to ask about talking therapy.”

If you use the NHS, it says you can refer yourself for talking therapies without seeing a GP first. You need to be registered with a GP and aged 18 or over, or 16 in some areas. If cost is the obstacle in the US, the guide on finding mental health support near you lists low-cost routes.

If feeling worthless has turned into thoughts of suicide or of harming yourself, get help now, not at your next appointment. In the US, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If your life is in danger, call 911 in the US. Anywhere else, call the emergency number for your country. In the UK and Ireland, you can call Samaritans free on 116 123, day or night. For other countries, findahelpline.com lists helplines.

Where Kind Mind fits

Kind Mind is the AI inside the AI Companion at Health and Kind. It costs nothing, it is there at any hour, and you can start without an account. Because it is an AI and not a person, it cannot be your therapist or your crisis service, and it is no substitute for CBT with a clinician.

For low self-esteem its use is narrow. Type the harsh sentence from step 1, then practice writing the reply you would give a friend. Account chat saving is paused. Conversations are saved in your browser only. To write a reply, each message is sent to Anthropic, the company that provides the AI.