Emotional regulation, and the specific skills that actually work
Emotional regulation does not mean not feeling things, and it is not the same as suppressing an emotion until it goes away. It means having a genuine set of skills for what to do with an intense feeling once it shows up, and there is a specific, researched set of them, not just “calm down” repeated at yourself.
This page is about where these skills actually come from, what the research says they do, and how to use them in an actual intense moment.
Where these skills actually come from
Emotion regulation is one of four core skill modules in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, alongside mindfulness, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. It was originally built for people experiencing very intense, hard-to-manage emotions, and the skills have since been researched and applied well beyond that original population.
A key distinction DBT teaches directly: there are two different, legitimate strategies for an intense emotion, changing it or accepting it, and knowing which situation calls for which is itself part of the skill. Not every difficult feeling needs to be changed; some need to be sat with.
Not every difficult feeling needs to be changed. Some need to be sat with.
The research behind it is broader than one condition
DBT skills training was originally developed and most rigorously tested for borderline personality disorder, where research has found it reduces self-harming behavior and improves overall psychological wellbeing. Since then, a growing body of research has found DBT skills training alone, without the full therapy program built around it, genuinely useful across a wider range of concerns, including depression, anxiety, trauma, interpersonal conflict, impulsivity, and disordered eating.
This matters because it means these are general-purpose skills for intense emotion, not a niche clinical tool that only applies to a specific diagnosis.
The actual skills, not just the concept
DBT breaks emotion regulation down into concrete, learnable moves rather than a vague instruction to feel less.
Name it specifically
DBT explicitly teaches using a precise, descriptive label for an emotion rather than a vague one — “humiliated” carries different, more useful information than “bad.”
Decide: change it, or ride it out
Some techniques shift an emotion’s intensity or redirect it entirely (like brief distraction from an overwhelming spike); others are about tolerating it without acting on it. Both are legitimate DBT strategies, not just the second-best option when changing it fails.
Reduce vulnerability before it starts
DBT explicitly addresses the physical state underneath emotional intensity — sleep, illness, and substance use all measurably change how intensely an emotion is likely to be felt in the first place.
Act opposite to the urge, deliberately
When an emotion is pushing toward an action that will make things worse (avoiding someone out of shame, lashing out in anger), deliberately doing the opposite action is a specific, named DBT technique, not just willpower.
Try this
The next time an intense emotion shows up, try naming it as specifically as possible before doing anything else. DBT treats this as a real intervention in itself, not just a preliminary step before the “actual” skill.
When this needs more than self-guided skills
Self-guided emotion regulation practice is genuinely useful, but if emotional intensity is leading to self-harm, is tied to a diagnosed condition, or feels unmanageable regardless of which skill is tried, that is the signal to bring in a therapist trained in DBT specifically, not a sign the skills themselves failed.
Common questions
What is emotional regulation, exactly?
A set of specific skills for responding to an intense emotion once it arises — not suppressing it, but choosing deliberately whether to change its intensity or tolerate it, developed as one of four core skill modules in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
Is DBT only for borderline personality disorder?
No. DBT skills training was originally developed and most rigorously tested for borderline personality disorder, but research has since found the skills training alone genuinely useful for depression, anxiety, trauma, impulsivity, and disordered eating as well.
What is the actual difference between changing an emotion and accepting it?
DBT treats both as legitimate strategies for different situations — some techniques shift or redirect an emotion’s intensity, while others are about tolerating it without acting on it. Neither one is the “correct” default; the skill is knowing which the moment calls for.
What is one concrete emotional regulation skill I can use right now?
Naming the emotion with the most specific, accurate word available, rather than a vague one like “bad” or “fine.” DBT treats precise naming as a real regulation skill in its own right, not just a first step.
When does emotional regulation need professional help, not just self-guided skills?
When intensity leads to self-harm, is tied to a diagnosed condition, or stays unmanageable no matter which skill is tried — that calls for a therapist trained in DBT specifically, not a sign the skills themselves do not work.